Chuckie Fuoco and Benoit Johnson in WHY I LOVE MY DOCTOR

Over the years, I have somehow managed to end up in the exam room of the most incompetent and just-plain-bizarre doctors in town. This play is a recollection of some of the more noteworthy encounters I've had with people who -- in my opinion -- should perhaps be in other lines of work. Lines of work that would keep them away from other human beings.

Before it's over, though, the play becomes a big valentine to Dr. David Aizenmen, who I feel sure is the best general practitioner in the entire world even though I can't possibly verify that claim. It's simply one of those things one knows to be true without complete evidence.

In any case, all the stories are completely true and not even exaggerated for comic effect. There are lots of characters but it's written to be performed by as few as three people.

TWO hurries on, carrying a small tray (with cotton and a scalpel) and talks into a miniature tape recorder.

ONE
Hi, doc! I have this --

TWO
(ignoring him)
Patient four-six-nine-three. Complaint concerns a minor epidermal cyst, but patient is unsure of details as the artifact is on the back of the patient's neck where inspection is difficult.

ONE
That is true. Seeing the back of my own neck is --

TWO
Recommended procedure is immediate removal.

ONE
I'm just curious -- are you going to talk to me at all?

With a weary sigh, TWO turns off the tape recorder.

TWO
My time is precious to me. Writing reports after the examination is wasteful. Dictating as I work allows me to have the exam and report completed simultaneously.

ONE
Yeah, but you're not listening to anything I --

TWO
(back to the recorder)
Patient four-six-nine-three presented himself today with the stated intent of having this artifact removed and I am carrying out that procedure at this time.

TWO cuts a chunk out of the back of ONE's neck.

ONE
OW! WHAT THE HELL --

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